How to Do IFS on Your Own: A Step-by-Step Guide

Martin Toré ·

You've read about Internal Family Systems (IFS), you might have recognized how you have certain parts yourself, and now you want to actually sit down and explore what's going on in your inner world. This guide walks you through a complete self-guided IFS session, from settling in to closing well, along with what to do when you get stuck.

If you're still unsure of whether self-guided IFS is right for you, start with our article Can You Do IFS on Your Own?, which covers who it suits and how to practice safely. In short, self-guided IFS can be a powerful and beautiful practice and contribute to your inner harmony and overall well-being.

This guide covers:

Rather be walked through it? Start a guided session with IFS Buddy →

A quick refresher: parts, protectors, and Self

In IFS, your mind is made up of parts, each with their own feelings, beliefs, and job to do. A part is not its role, and in IFS we don't try to get rid of these parts as you might in other forms of therapy. We don't try to control them away and instead we become genuinely curious and wanting to understand them and help them so that they don't need to perform this rigid role anymore.

They fall into a few broad groups:

  • Protectors try to keep you safe and keep painful feelings out of the way. Your inner critic, your people-pleaser, the part that scrolls your phone at midnight, and the part that gets angry when you feel dismissed are all protectors. Some actively plan and control to maintain balance (known as Manager parts); others step in in an emergency in a more reactive way (known as firefighter parts).
  • Exiles are younger, more vulnerable parts that carry hurt, shame, or fear from the past. Protectors work hard to keep them from being overwhelmed or flooding the system.
  • Self is who you are underneath all your parts. It is not a part itself. It is your ground of being that can witness the parts described above. When you're in Self, you naturally feel curious, calm, compassionate, and clarity of mind. Self isn't something you have to build and is naturally there in all humans. Dr. Schwartz, founder of IFS, has worked in therapy with the most extreme forms of self-harm, violence, and psychiatric diagnoses. He has found that everyone has a Self even if it might be hidden away by extreme protective parts.

In a normal IFS session as well as self-guided IFS, we start off building a relationship with the protector parts that show up in your life. That's where this guide focuses, and it's where most of the real change begins.

Before you start

You don't need much:

  • 20 to 40 minutes where you won't be interrupted.
  • A quiet, comfortable spot. Sitting or lying down both work.
  • A notebook, optional. Some people like to write down what parts say, or to hold the whole session on paper.

It's also worth reminding yourself that there's no right result. A session where you simply meet a part and learn one thing about it is a good session.

Step 1: Settle in

Take a few slow breaths. Feel your body where it touches the chair or floor. Let your attention turn inward, the way it might just before you fall asleep, but stay awake and present.

If your mind is busy, that's fine. You don't need to clear it. Just notice what's there.

As you settle, see if you can let a little curiosity come in. Rather than trying to fix or figure yourself out, approach your inner world with genuine interest, the way you might approach meeting someone new. You might wonder, "What's going on in me today? Who's here?" You don't have to force this feeling. Even a small spark of openness is enough to begin.

Step 2: Choose where to start

In IFS, a starting point is sometimes called a trailhead: a feeling, reaction, or situation that leads you to a part. Good first trailheads are everyday and manageable, for example:

  • A harsh thought you had about yourself today.
  • Dread about an upcoming conversation.
  • A habit you keep going back to even though you don't want to.
  • A strong reaction to something someone said.

Pick one. If several parts are clamoring for attention, you can let them know you'll come back to them and choose one to start with.

Hold off on your most painful memories for now. Those are best approached once you've built trust with your system, and ideally with support.

Step 3: Find the part

Bring the situation to mind and notice what happens inside you. Parts show up in different ways:

  • A sensation in your body, such as tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or heat in your face.
  • An emotion, such as anxiety, irritation, or sadness.
  • Thoughts or an inner voice, such as "you always mess this up."
  • An image, such as a shape, a color, a figure, or a younger version of you.

Whatever shows up, that's your way in. You might silently say, "I notice there's a part of me that feels ___."

Step 4: Get a little space from it

Right now you may be blended with the part, meaning its feelings feel like your feelings. The goal is to separate enough that you can relate to it rather than from it.

You can gently ask the part, "Would you be willing to give me a little space so I can get to know you?" Some people imagine the part sitting across from them, or picture it a few steps away. Others just notice the difference between "I am anxious" and "a part of me is anxious."

You don't need complete separation. A little bit of room is enough.

If the part won't give you any space, that's useful information. Try asking what it's afraid would happen if it did.

Step 5: Check how you feel toward it

This is the most important question in IFS:

"How do I feel toward this part right now?"

If you notice curiosity, warmth, openness, or calm, you're in Self, or close to it. Move on to Step 6.

If you notice frustration, fear, judgment, or a wish for the part to go away, then another part has joined in. This is very common and is what we called being blended with a part. For example, a part that's tired of your anxiety may show up when you try to meet the anxious part.

You have two options:

  • Ask the new part to step back. Let it know you're not ignoring its concerns and that you'd like to get to know the first part. Often it will relax once it trusts you're not going to be taken over. We call this unblending from a part.
  • Make the new part your focus instead. If it won't step back, it probably has something important to say. Get to know it first.

Keep checking until you feel at least a little genuine curiosity toward the part in front of you.

Step 6: Get to know the part

Now you can start a conversation. Ask a question in your mind, then wait and notice what comes. Answers might come as words, images, feelings, memories, or just a sense of knowing. Don't try to think up the answers. Let them arrive and trust your intuition.

Some questions to try:

  • "What do you want me to know?"
  • "What's your job? What are you trying to do for me?"
  • "How long have you been doing this?"
  • "What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?"
  • "How do you feel about the job you have?"

The question about what it fears is often the turning point. You'll usually find that even a part that causes you trouble is trying to protect you from something. A critic might be trying to stop you from being rejected. A procrastinating part might be trying to spare you from the pain of failing.

If nothing comes, that's okay. Sometimes a part isn't ready to talk yet. You can let it know you're interested and willing to come back.

Step 7: Appreciate the part

Once you understand what a part is trying to do, let it know. You might say something like, "I can see how hard you've been working to protect me. Thank you." Then notice how it responds.

This might feel strange at first, especially toward a part you've been fighting for years. But parts often soften a great deal when they feel understood rather than criticized. Many have never been thanked before.

You can also ask the part, "Is there anything you need from me?" Sometimes the answer is simple, such as wanting you to check in more often or to know it's tired. Sometimes its something practical, like "I need you to prepare more for this presentation so we don't embarrass ourselves!"

Step 8: Close the session

When you're ready to finish:

  • Thank the part and any others that showed up.
  • Let them know you'll come back.
  • Bring your attention back to your body and the room around you. Notice what you can see and hear.
  • If it helps, write down a few notes: which part you met, what its job is, and what it's afraid of.

Coming back regularly, even for a few minutes, is how trust between you and your parts grows.

What about going deeper?

As a protector starts to trust you, it may eventually show you what it's protecting: often an exile carrying old hurt. In full IFS work, this can lead to witnessing that exile's story and helping it let go of the pain it's been carrying, which is called unburdening.

This is powerful work, and it's also where things can become intense. A few guidelines:

  • Always ask protectors for permission first. If a protector isn't ready for you to approach an exile, respect that. It's not an obstacle; it's the process working as it should.
  • Don't go looking for exiles. Let them come when your system is ready.
  • Get support for trauma. If your exiles carry significant trauma, it's best to do this part of the work with a trained IFS therapist.

Getting to know your protectors isn't a warm-up for the "real" work. For many people, it's where most of the change happens.

Common obstacles, and what to do about them

In general, the solution to any obstacle in IFS is to slow down and notice if you're blended with another part (see if there is an agenda present or a feeling of needing something to happen). When you approach parts with genuine curiosity without an agenda of trying to get rid of them or change them, things will flow more smoothly.

"I can't feel anything." Blankness or numbness is often a part too. Try getting curious about it: "Is there a part that's keeping things quiet? What's it worried about?"

"I think I'm just making this up." A skeptical part is very common, especially at the beginning. You can acknowledge it and ask it to let you experiment for a few minutes. What emerges often surprises people, which is a good sign it's not just invented.

"I can't stop judging the part." That means a judging part has joined in. Go back to Step 5 and see whether it will step back, or get to know it instead.

"The part won't talk to me." Some parts take time to trust you. Letting them know you're interested and coming back consistently is often enough. You might also want to check if you have an agenda in changing this part, if so, ask the part with the agenda to take a step back and approach the target part again.

"I feel overwhelmed." Stop and ground yourself. Look around the room, feel your feet on the floor, and name a few things you can see. If this happens often, it's a sign to work with a therapist before continuing on your own.

A short example

Priya notices dread about a meeting with her boss tomorrow. She settles in and feels a tightness in her chest. She asks the tightness to give her a little space, and it loosens slightly.

When she checks how she feels toward it, she notices irritation: "I just want this anxiety gone." She recognizes this as another part and asks it to step back so she can listen. It does, a little. Now she feels curious.

She asks the anxious part what it wants her to know. It shows her an image of herself freezing in a past meeting. When she asks what it's afraid would happen if it stopped worrying, the answer comes quickly: "You'd walk in unprepared and look stupid."

Priya thanks it for trying to protect her. The tightness eases. She asks what it needs, and it says it would feel better if she spent ten minutes preparing tonight. She agrees, thanks the part, and brings her attention back to the room.

The anxiety isn't gone forever, but Priya now understands the part rather than fighting it, and that changes her relationship with it.

Want some guidance along the way?

Remembering which question to ask while you're in the middle of a strong feeling can be hard, especially when you're new to IFS. IFS Buddy is an AI guide built on the IFS model that walks you through these steps one question at a time. It helps you notice when you're blended, suggests where to go next, and lets you save what you learn about your parts. You can use it for a full session or for a short daily check-in.

Start a guided session with IFS Buddy →

A note on safety

Self-guided IFS is gentle by design, but it can still bring up strong feelings. You can stop at any time. If you have a significant trauma history, often feel disconnected or lose time, or notice intense reactions or urges to hurt yourself, please work with a qualified therapist. If you're in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line. Self-therapy and AI tools are not crisis support.

For more on practicing safely, see Can You Do IFS on Your Own?